“Don’t take it so personally…” Everything in life is personal… “Don’t take yourself too seriously.” “You’re the most important person in your life.” “Self-care is important.” “Don’t be so selfish.”
So which is it? How do you navigate these contradictions?
When you take things personally, you make yourself vulnerable and open to manipulation. You give away your power. You often feel attacked. You spend a lot of time defending and justifying yourself. You get frustrated and lose your inner peace.
On the other hand, if you don’t take things personally, nothing or no one can really get to you. Everything rolls off your back, you are free and independent. But you also miss out on the wisdom, insights, and feedback that the world provides. You can’t grow and connect.
So, how do I know when to take something personally and when not to? My experience shows that complaints often say more about the person complaining than about the one being accused. This means that many accusations carry a grain of truth that could prompt growth for the accused, but an accusation also says just as much (if not more) about how the accuser feels, sees the world, and deals with problems.
How personally I take what’s said also depends on how important I am to the person saying it. A person who genuinely cares about my well-being is unlikely to try to destroy me even on a bad day or when they’re in a bad mood. That’s the moment to look for the kernel of truth and let go of the rest, not taking it personally (the reason for their outburst might be work problems, stress in their personal life, general dissatisfaction with their life, or PMS).
But if someone criticizes me who is either too young or too self-centered to genuinely care about my well-being, then it’s important to see their words not as a statement about me, but as a reflection of the accuser’s current emotional state. So, instead of “You never listen to me,” becomes “I feel lonely.” Instead of “I never get to do what everyone else is doing,” becomes “I’m afraid of being rejected.” And “You old *&@#%@!” becomes “My life feels really hard right now. I feel overwhelmed.”
I’m not responsible for changing the other person’s mood, but I don’t have to defend myself or start making similar accusations. I can walk away, keep my (hopefully good) mood intact, and later respond to the real message if I feel the need. Otherwise, I simply don’t take it personally, which gives me the freedom to decide how my day unfolds—and how I shape my life.
From my experience, only about 20% of the things thrown at you in life are truly “personal.” What’s your experience?